Before The Worst
by onesieandacalendar
Summary: Addison engages in self-destructive behavior and Derek flies down to LA. Takes place during/after Private Practice episodes 3x09 and 3x10. Oneshot.


**This was written for the 2009 Secret Santa for the ga_fanfic community on LJ. Thanks to Phoebe (McMuffin) for betaing. Okay, guys, I don't know whats possessing me to write so much Addek lately but I have a long (3000+ word) Maddison one-shot fic already written that I'll post soonish because I _do_ have an epic plan to take over this site with those two. Yeah. **

**Disclaimer- And I still don't own anything. **

///

There was a time in your life when you considered yourself the happiest girl in the world. A time when your father's cheating didn't really matter because you had a perfect husband, a loving brother, a best friend who would give the world for you and a second family to call your own.

Of course, when these things disappeared, when first Archer then Derek, and finally Mark were cut out of your life the happiness seemed to deteriorate. A family which once loved you like you were their own was gone, and all you were left with was a cold mother and a cheating father.

Maybe in some way you were glad when he first came out, maybe seeing him didn't only bring back bad memories, but also some of the good. Maybe, if nothing else, this was something that had to happen for you to finally be able to pick yourself back up.

These thoughts don't last long, when you start to inch closer and closer to the truth and you can feel even in the air that something's not right. You know, at least in some way you do, the second that Bizzy steps off of the plane, her blond hair in contrast to your red and as her eyes skim over you displeasingly, this is it. This is exactly why the people now nothing but a memory were such huge pieces of your life.

Naturally she criticizes you, choosing your hair this time around. You roll your eyes; you couldn't possibly be more used to this. The only difference is that this time you're on your own.

///

"You have no idea. You don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know anything, you don't know one single thing about me. I could have done things; I could have been things, but I'm a Forbes so I got married because that was what I was supposed to do, and I chose your father because he asked, and he was nice, and he seemed like he wouldn't suffocate me and by the time I realized my mistake I had children. So I made a life, I did what I could with what I had, and I may not have been in love with your father but I loved him, I do love him, and I loved you and your brother, and so instead of doing what I wanted to which was run, or slit my wrists, I threw birthday parties and I smiled and I kept my mouth shut. and I raised you and your brother and you both turned out brilliantly. Susan was for me, Susan was the one thing that was for me. My children took everything else, and I'm sorry but until you have a child, you have no idea what it's like to be a mother, you have no idea the sacrifices a woman makes when she has children, so don't you dare judge me."

You let your head fall to your hands, the tears falling freely and the past taking over your mind.

She has no idea.

///

You turn to Sam because he's there, and he's always been nothing but a great friend to you. You figure it'd do no good to stay anywhere near your two parents.

You sense his reluctance, you know he's worried, what with the numerous glasses of alcohol he's pried from your fingers in the last few days and the makeup smeared all over your face. Not to mention the attire.

This isn't you,

except it is.

///

There's only three people who have seen you at your worst, only three people you trusted to pick up the pieces and you can't help but think that the fact all three of them are men doesn't help your "this family is full of whores" theory.

Maybe you are a whore, hell, you cheated on your husband, then cheated on the man you cheated on your husband with. And then there's Kevin and Wyatt and Noah… not to mention the fact that the little New-York/Seattle fiasco resulted in the heart breaking of at least four people. Sometimes it's a joke to you; you think it'd make a great mid-day soap.

But none of this proves your theory wrong. None of this can make the pain go away and none of this can stop you from drowning every bottle of way too expensive wine, tequila, scotch and beer that you find, among other things as well. The alcohols a warm-up, you figure, if anything, you deserve the soothing sensation of a couple of glasses. But a couple of glasses turns into too many and before you know it the bottle of pills from behind the mirror in the second floor bathroom are laying on the ground empty, next to your still body.

///

Sam finds you a few hours later, he calls an ambulance frantically. When they arrive you hear the faint orders from the paramedics, then the doctors only a few minutes later. You're holding on by the last thread as you hear Sam just barely above a whisper, tell a nurse to call Derek Shepherd.

///

He's there when you wake up, his hairs a mess and his eyes anything but rested as he closes them quickly before reopening them, almost as if checking to see if this was dream.

"Thank god you're awake," he tells you. You almost laugh, would it be so bad if you weren't?

"I-"

"Don't try to talk Addie" Addie, damn that nickname. Damn that nickname and damn that fucking man who can make you feel like this all over again from one word, "You don't have to make up any excuses, I know, I know you tried to kill yourself." You can tell the words hurt him to say by the way he cringes afterword.

"I'm so sorry," you tell him, despite his order to keep quiet.

"There's nothing to be sorry for." Except there is, there's a dead marriage, a dead friendship and hell, even a dead baby he has no idea about. You can't even count on one hand the things to be sorry for.

"None of this was supposed to happen," he says, shaking his head slightly and narrowing his deep, blue eyes. "God, Addie, I can't believe you did this."

"I- wasn't thinking," you stutter, shifting your eyes away from him in embarrassment.

"I'm glad you're alright." It's not personal; it's just a statement, similar to the way he'd tell a patient's sister he was glad she was okay.

"Why are you here, Derek?" you ask, somewhat bitterly.

He looks out the window, "I wanted to make sure this wasn't because of me."

///

_The snow glistens the street and you watch from above, sneaking glances out of the window every chance you get. Anything is better than facing the scene in front of you._

_Anna lies lifeless on the hospital bed before you, you and Derek stand hand in hand beside her, shaking your heads and letting tears fall from your eyes. _

"_Why?" you ask._

"_Do people kill themselves?" he finishes, making eye contact with you for the first time before getting the news of their friend. _

"_Yeah."_

"_I don't know, Ad," he admits. He hates when he can't answer you, "But promise me that you won't ever… you know." He looks away, scared of your answer._

"_I can only promise that to you if you promise to never leave my side." It's somewhat meant as a joke, and somewhat not._

///

"This isn't because of you." Except partially it is, partially you've been fighting the urge ever since the eighth year of your marriage. If it wasn't for Mark being so goddamned perfect to you this would've happened a long time ago.

He knows you're lying, being one of the two people able to see right through you, "Addie" he tells you, "God, Addie why didn't you tell me?"

You know he's not talking about now, he means before, he means when he was too fucking stupid to notice the twenty lost pounds, "I tried, Derek. Shit, you were a Psych minor; surely you knew the signs of depression."

He runs his hands through his hair, "I don't know what to say."

"Of course you don't, how could you?"

///

"_I'm worried about Addie." Mark says as he lowers his tray to the table, taking a bite of the oh so good gourmet hospital lunch._

_Derek flips the page of his medical journal, "Mhm," he says, Mark pulls it from his hands. _

"_What the hell is wrong with you?" He spits before throwing it back in his face. Mark picks up his tray and leaves the table, leaving a very confused, yet not nearly as affected as he should've been, Derek. _

///

His eyes light up, a sudden epiphany overcoming him followed by a rush of guilt, "Oh my god"

"Exactly," you answer, "I bet you had no idea about the knife."

"What knife?"

"The one Mark had to pull from my hands."

///

"_Don't do this." He repeats for the hundredth time, "Don't do this, Addie, please, don't do it."_

"_Why the fuck not? My husband doesn't give a shit about me, my family doesn't give a shit about me. No one does, no one fucking cares."_

"_I do!" he screams, and you stop for a moment, you notice a tear slip done his face. "Please, don't do it, for me."_

"_I'm going to leave him. If I have to live, it's not going to be with him."_

"_As long as you set that knife down." He says, and you make no move to release your grip. He takes a few slow steps toward you, scared that you might snap and stab yourself, him, or worse, both of you. He pulls apart your shaking hand, knuckles white and all, away from the knife and lets it fall to the ground._

"_Thank you," you say, even though you still wish he would've let you finish. _

///

"I had no idea."

"There's a lot you didn't know Derek, I could write a book of all the things you never cared enough about to figure out."

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

"How did all of this happen, Derek? How did any of this happen?"

///

"_How are you feeling?" Mark asks, what he really means is, 'think about putting any more sharp objects next to your skin lately'_

"_I'm fine," you spit, he grabs your arm._

"_Just because Derek's too goddamned stupid to notice doesn't mean I am, eat Addison, and that bottle of pills you've been contemplating whether or not to use, throw them the fuck out."_

_He leaves you there in complete shock, how did he know?_

///

"I knew something was wrong, I did, I just, figured it was nothing and honestly I didn't have the time to talk to you about it."

"Do you hear yourself? This is why everything turned to shit. This is why I'm sitting here all fucking alone."

"You're not alone."

"Oh, please. Go home to your wife."

He almost tells you she's not his wife, he almost does, but he doesn't, "I don't want to."

"Why? Because finally after all the wrong done by us, after all the mistakes and lies and hurt we've put each other through, you finally realize you love me?"

He lowers his eyes to your face, "Yes."

///

The sun beats down on your back and you can feel it burn your skin, you toss your newly long, red hair over your shoulder and laugh, "Get away from that it cost two thousand dollars!" You yell at them, the football just barely missing the edge of the expensive decoration.

"Who the hell buys two thousand dollar Christmas decorations?" Sam asks, grinning, even though he already knows the answer.

"Me," you say, raising an eyebrow, "Got something to say tough guy?"

"Wouldn't dream of it." Derek tells you while placing a kiss on your forehead.

"I love you." You say, because no matter how many times you repeat it, it never feels like enough.

Derek runs back out toward the water and Sam throws the ball long, overthrowing by a couple of feet. Derek lunges to catch it but instead slips and face plants into the freezing cold water. Everyone cracks up, and Naomi places a hand on your shoulder.

There was a time when you considered yourself the happiest person in the world.

But you never imagined that time would come again.

///

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